Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Introverted-extrovert, anyone?

I have discovered something about myself lately. I really like to meet new people and get to know them. Not all of the time--I still find myself tongue-tied trying to make small talk at big things like parties where I don't know anyone. But, for example, I like to meet them in a public forum--as a nurse, as a waitress, as a secretary... It is so interesting to see that all these people are living in the world, with their own lives, where they have their own values, priorities, interests, agendas, etc. Say you're looking at a really tall apartment building, with 47 floors. There are hundreds of people living in there, and lots of them don't know each other. Yet they are each the centre of their own little universe. Cool, huh? It makes you want to ask them, "Who are you, really?"

Everyone's a little strange, that's one thing I have realized :P Everyone does their best to hide it, too! Haha, in a lot of ways, I stopped doing that. Why not ask that incredibly un-tactful question, to find out what you want to know? I know, I know, it's just plain rude to pry and ask personal questions, but why not have little things, like, "Why don't you take the shells off your shrimp before you eat them!?" Some people might find it awkward, but hey, most don't seem to. If you buffer it with, "You don't have to answer if you don't want..." most of them just laugh and answer you. I was genuinely curious about why this girl left the shells on, because I would never do that!

I admit I have a bit of a fear of getting too close to people. I have my closest friends, and my family, and a circle of friends, but sometimes I just get scared of getting to know people too well. What if we suddenly have nothing in common? What if I share something with them, and they don't reciprocate? Do they think I'm too weird for them? They know me as one person--what if I'm having a bad day and they don't like that person? That's hard to explain...I can't explain exactly what I mean...but, for example, most of the time I would prefer to have new patients every day than have the same one on multiple days. I's kind of...I'm being kind and supportive for the first day, because what I know of this person, they are in the hospital and need that type of care. But if you have them too many times, it becomes more difficult to keep up this "facade"...kind's not really a anyone out there getting what I mean? So I'm afraid of being abrupt and not so kind anymore. I guess I'm afraid of them seeing the "impatient me" and getting mad at me? I don't know, I have no idea what I'm saying. Verbal diarrhea. All I know is that I hate people being mad at me. How do I get from fearing getting to close to people to explaining that I hate people getting mad at me???

What I explained above is in a professional sense, but in some ways it's on a personal level, too. So if on some days I seem super friendly, that's the real me--I want to get to know you. But if on other days I seem distant and quiet, that's the real me, too--I don't know how/where our relationship/interaction is going, and I'm anxious. Not worried, just a bit anxious. It also doesn't help that sometimes I like spending time by myself, and I might just be sick of spending time with people--not you, but people in general.

Yep, everyone sure is full of layers. Kind of like onions--many, many thin layers are needed to make up the solid bulk.

Hello to my favourite sister, Binnie! Jeez, that girl has a lot of layers!

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